This is a long list.
Basically, I believe that every child should be a wanted child. You can use the "But people wait years for healthy babies!" excuse all you want, but the fact is, most babies who are aborted are babies who would not have been healthy anyway because their parents were not ready for them and knew that. And there are hundreds of thousands of children in foster care. Adding to the foster care system is not appealing to me.
How many kids emerge from the foster care system severely traumatized? I shudder to think about it!
This is a link of statistics in foster care I absolutely stopped breathing when I read that 65% ARE EMANCIPATED HOMELESS!!!!!! What is wrong with this country that this goes on? I hate to say it, but they may have been better off never having been born...This is statistics of prisoners who grew up in foster care. So, where are all these families waiting for healthy babies? Were they not white enough for them? Were they born with fetal alcohol syndrome and drug addictions and that just did not fit in with their plans? I can't say that I blame them. I wouldn't want to adopt a 3 year old who was sexually abused by her crack head mother's boyfriend when she was 2. That doesn't sound like fun to me! No wonder there are so many unwanted children out there!
I have had people ask me if becoming a mother has changed my view on abortion. No. Not at all. In fact, it has made me support abortion more. And not because I don't love my daughter. Because I know how much work she is, and I knew a lot of the people I have met could not handle that, in any way. I have also seen, and more so heard of, the result of babies born to mothers who were doing drugs. Not pretty, and not healthy. And heard of people smoking crack with their infant child right next to them. They kept them because human instinct is to keep our children close and to take care of them. And at the time, they thought they could take care of them. They honestly, truly believed that. For some, that's enough. But for others, it's not. And the children suffer the consequences. It's simply not ideal to expect many college students, teenagers, and young at heart to part with their children. I still want to be with my daughter, almost all the time. It goes against human instinct for us to give our child to someone else to raise, and not all of us are so unselfish as to find a nice family and give our children to them. That's okay. That's human instinct. I'm sick of people acting like it's not. We all have pain, some of us more than others. For anyone to put down anothers' pain is wrong and in-compassionate.
There are also cases where the baby is just not healthy, or the mother is unhealthy and terminating the pregnancy would allow her to fight to get well. Pregnancy speeds some cancers along, and you cannot do chemo, etc. when you are pregnant. So, the mother will sometimes die before she gives birth. So, baby dies too anyway, or is born extremely unhealthy because the mother was too sick to eat right. Yeah, sounds like a great situation to bring a baby into! Or, she is just super unhealthy while pregnant and gives birth to a stillborn baby 3 months early. I know, not every situation.....but quite a few. An unhealthy baby is not worth it to me. And babies who have down syndrome, etc....okay, maybe you could take care of them their whole life....but eventually you will be old. Then who will take care of you? And them? Some of them are unable to work, so society pours disability money into them. Not that money matters, and maybe these people are put here to teach us something. From my totally non medical opinion, most miscarriages are children who would have been more susceptible to be born with down syndrome, cerebral palsy, etc. but some of them make it through anyway. Should we off them before they make their appearance? I'm not sure, but it might be something I would consider. That's hard on them. Very freakin' hard....Why would we bring someone into the world who is going to have such a hard life? Isn't that cruel? For me, I kind of tend to think so. That's a situational basis, but severe cases of this should not be. I consider it in-compassionate to not terminate a pregnancy with a child who has severe Gastroschisis or some other disease for which all they can do once the child is born is make them comfortable until they die.
For me, quality of life is just as important, if not more so than life itself. It's important for a child to be born whose wanted, who's birth was dreamed about and planned for, because those are usually the children who do well. This is a known fact. Does that mean that children who are not will not do well? Well, no. Life is not black and white. But, I believe that a woman who was raped, or whose birth control failed should not have to adjust their life if they are not ready. Sometimes they are, which is fine. Some will not agree with this and that is fine.
Does that mean I think people should be able to have 5 abortions in 3 years and continue to get pregnant and have abortions? No. I think that is irresponsible. Do I think you should be able to get an abortion after the 1st trimester because your spouse left you? No....I think that's a self involved reason. Is it right for somebody? Maybe. I just think pregnancies are a situational basis, not everyone is READY to be a parent, nor are they READY to give up their child....This is sad, and can be emotionally traumatizing. But I know people who have done it, and I don't think they are murderers. And they know they made the right choice, for them at the time. Good for them.
Would it be right for me? I tend to doubt that, but maybe it would be. Maybe it would not be right at the time, or maybe it would. I have no way of knowing. If I took fertility medications and found out I would be having 5 at once....I think I would terminate the 3 weaker ones, so the other two would have a better chance of thriving. Maybe to you it seems cold hearted, but to me, it's just common sense, and it's kindest for my child(ren).
Saturday, April 21, 2012
Thursday, April 12, 2012
My first attempt at a short story in.....years!
"He's not quitting football," he said, staring her down, breathing hard. It was as if he thought he could breathe some sense into her. His wife rarely let anyone talk her out of anything, unless she knew she had no choice.
"Oh? And you plan on stopping him?" She stared back at him, not intimidated.
"Yes. He's my son. If I tell him I won't let him, he won't do it! We cannot let him be a quitter, or he will learn that's okay!" He was devastated, but he didn't want to let her know how much it meant to him. They had two older sons, both of whom were currently playing football in college. They had been his prides and joy, and he was determined that his youngest son would make him proud as well. He was the most talented of the three, and had the most potential to make it pro.
"And you honestly think that he would be okay with that? He might continue to play, but he would resent you. Hard core. Is that really worth it to you? He doesn't want football for his life. That's just the way it is. Besides, I've seen him act. He's great at it! The best thing was do for his is encourage him in what he wants to do.If we want him to keep talking to us at least...."
"My goal is NOT to make him want to talk to me! It's to make sure he has a future!," he interrupted. He was getting mad now. Partially because she clearly was not going to back down and partially because he knew she was right and he did not want to admit it. He had pinned a lot of dreams and hopes on Raul, put a lot of hours in with him, sweated and bled with him. For what? What was it all for if he dropped out of football? He could not help but feel let down. His wife recognized that, he could tell. It was annoying, how she knew just what he was thinking all the time. They'd been married for 26 years. That is what happened when you had been married that long. But, it still annoyed him.
"He won't have a future with acting?" She paused, waiting for a reaction from him, but he just glared at her, eyes looking through her rather than at her. "Baby, he is not doing this to punish you." She shrugged, and moved closer to him. "This is what he wants. I know you're disappointed. I am too, honestly. I had hopes that this would be his future. Maybe he could have bought us a house in the Bahamas." She smiled at him, letting him know she was joking. He smiled back, sheepishly. She shrugged again. "It's clearly just not in the clouds for him. We might have a little grieving to do about it, and that's okay. This is life. His life. Haven't you seen him act? He's amazing at it!"
He looked at her, arms crossed, wall back up for a time. Finally we said, "We shall see." He turned around and walked out of the tack room. She smiled, shook her head, and went back to sweeping it out.
"Oh? And you plan on stopping him?" She stared back at him, not intimidated.
"Yes. He's my son. If I tell him I won't let him, he won't do it! We cannot let him be a quitter, or he will learn that's okay!" He was devastated, but he didn't want to let her know how much it meant to him. They had two older sons, both of whom were currently playing football in college. They had been his prides and joy, and he was determined that his youngest son would make him proud as well. He was the most talented of the three, and had the most potential to make it pro.
"And you honestly think that he would be okay with that? He might continue to play, but he would resent you. Hard core. Is that really worth it to you? He doesn't want football for his life. That's just the way it is. Besides, I've seen him act. He's great at it! The best thing was do for his is encourage him in what he wants to do.If we want him to keep talking to us at least...."
"My goal is NOT to make him want to talk to me! It's to make sure he has a future!," he interrupted. He was getting mad now. Partially because she clearly was not going to back down and partially because he knew she was right and he did not want to admit it. He had pinned a lot of dreams and hopes on Raul, put a lot of hours in with him, sweated and bled with him. For what? What was it all for if he dropped out of football? He could not help but feel let down. His wife recognized that, he could tell. It was annoying, how she knew just what he was thinking all the time. They'd been married for 26 years. That is what happened when you had been married that long. But, it still annoyed him.
"He won't have a future with acting?" She paused, waiting for a reaction from him, but he just glared at her, eyes looking through her rather than at her. "Baby, he is not doing this to punish you." She shrugged, and moved closer to him. "This is what he wants. I know you're disappointed. I am too, honestly. I had hopes that this would be his future. Maybe he could have bought us a house in the Bahamas." She smiled at him, letting him know she was joking. He smiled back, sheepishly. She shrugged again. "It's clearly just not in the clouds for him. We might have a little grieving to do about it, and that's okay. This is life. His life. Haven't you seen him act? He's amazing at it!"
He looked at her, arms crossed, wall back up for a time. Finally we said, "We shall see." He turned around and walked out of the tack room. She smiled, shook her head, and went back to sweeping it out.
Week without baby
So, this last week, Kiley has been in Arizona with my parents.
I am not one of those moms that likes to be without their baby often. I enjoyed some time to myself, yes, but I couldn't wait to be with her again! I hung out with Tim, and that was nice, plenty of time just for us. But, at the end of the day, I just wanted to be with Kiley.
Unless you are a parent, you cannot understand what it's like to be without your child. It's like being a fish without water, or a turtle without a shell. You grow used to seeing them everyday, to taking care of them everyday. When they are not there, you almost do not know what to do with yourself.
I'm so glad to be back with my little bean! She gave me all kinds of kisses when I saw her! She was obviously a little tired, but happy to see mommy nonetheless. And I was SUPER happy to see her!!!!
_________________________________________________________
I want more babies, but not anytime soon. Right now, I'm enjoying being Kiley's mommy. I want to watch her grow before I add more complication to the mix. I will at least be waiting until my Mirena comes out in October of 2015. That is for sure.
You already know that I want to ride horses. That's nothing new. I don't see it happening unless I go back to school. I always used to want to go to Findlay, and I am seriously thinking about going there for another two bachelors, one in Equestrian Studies with an Emphasis in Western Riding and Training AND one in pre law. My mother would prefer that I did not, but it is looking more and more like the right choice. I prayed for God to show my the answer, and my high school transcript was waiting on the desk when I went to get it. What? I graduated almost 5 years ago. That, to me, is a sign. I know I'll have to work, but I miss school. And I want to ride, or somehow be involved with horses to make my living. I am starting to think that I may want to do Equine Law, as well. Plans would change, but if it's what God wants, things will work out the way they are supposed to.
I am not one of those moms that likes to be without their baby often. I enjoyed some time to myself, yes, but I couldn't wait to be with her again! I hung out with Tim, and that was nice, plenty of time just for us. But, at the end of the day, I just wanted to be with Kiley.
Unless you are a parent, you cannot understand what it's like to be without your child. It's like being a fish without water, or a turtle without a shell. You grow used to seeing them everyday, to taking care of them everyday. When they are not there, you almost do not know what to do with yourself.
I'm so glad to be back with my little bean! She gave me all kinds of kisses when I saw her! She was obviously a little tired, but happy to see mommy nonetheless. And I was SUPER happy to see her!!!!
_________________________________________________________
I want more babies, but not anytime soon. Right now, I'm enjoying being Kiley's mommy. I want to watch her grow before I add more complication to the mix. I will at least be waiting until my Mirena comes out in October of 2015. That is for sure.
You already know that I want to ride horses. That's nothing new. I don't see it happening unless I go back to school. I always used to want to go to Findlay, and I am seriously thinking about going there for another two bachelors, one in Equestrian Studies with an Emphasis in Western Riding and Training AND one in pre law. My mother would prefer that I did not, but it is looking more and more like the right choice. I prayed for God to show my the answer, and my high school transcript was waiting on the desk when I went to get it. What? I graduated almost 5 years ago. That, to me, is a sign. I know I'll have to work, but I miss school. And I want to ride, or somehow be involved with horses to make my living. I am starting to think that I may want to do Equine Law, as well. Plans would change, but if it's what God wants, things will work out the way they are supposed to.
Thursday, March 15, 2012
Working 4-10s
I enjoy working 4- 10s per week. I have more time off and I find I'm able to be a better mommy. I don't really know what causes it, just that it's true. It's definitely more tiring on the days I work, but gives me more time off which is very nice.
Kiley is growing like a little weed! She is now 20 months which makes her nearing 2 years old. She is SO smart! She is potty training and is figuring out the world so quickly! And her nose, as you can see from the picture. She likes to jump up and down on my bladder. The funny part? I like it, even though it hurts at the time.
We visited her father. I find that weird to say. I was unsettled about it on the way. I was freaking out. I would say it felt like I was running into an old using buddy, but I WAS walking right INTO an old using buddy. It was intense. I was sweating like it was July. But, Kiley and he had a nice visit. I haven't heard from him since. I should've figured. But, leave it to me to expect.
I need to go back to school, no matter what I study. It's really that simple. I wasn't ready for life when I left college, and I need to get there, whether it be through law school or some other type of grad school. Anyway you spin it, I need to start in Fall of 13. I might be in school for a while and I'm okay with that! I miss school and I want it back in the worst way!!!! Maybe next time I graduate, I will actually be prepared for life. I have spent months beating myself up over not being ready for life yet, but I have to realize that it comes differently for different people. Some quickly, others slowly. For me, I guess it's just slowly. Which is painful, with a baby especially, but definitely, totally worth it to realize that! This journey I've been on lately is freeing and beautiful.
We visited her father. I find that weird to say. I was unsettled about it on the way. I was freaking out. I would say it felt like I was running into an old using buddy, but I WAS walking right INTO an old using buddy. It was intense. I was sweating like it was July. But, Kiley and he had a nice visit. I haven't heard from him since. I should've figured. But, leave it to me to expect.
I need to go back to school, no matter what I study. It's really that simple. I wasn't ready for life when I left college, and I need to get there, whether it be through law school or some other type of grad school. Anyway you spin it, I need to start in Fall of 13. I might be in school for a while and I'm okay with that! I miss school and I want it back in the worst way!!!! Maybe next time I graduate, I will actually be prepared for life. I have spent months beating myself up over not being ready for life yet, but I have to realize that it comes differently for different people. Some quickly, others slowly. For me, I guess it's just slowly. Which is painful, with a baby especially, but definitely, totally worth it to realize that! This journey I've been on lately is freeing and beautiful.
Thursday, March 8, 2012
New Hours
I have new working hours. 8:45-7:15 4 days a week. Yes, 4 10s. I know, I'm crazy. Possibly demented. I seem to write and bowl and exist better than way. Maybe it helps me tap into me. So, whatever.
I guess it will just take some getting used to. I feel like I'm sleeping as I type. I know I need to go to bed but it's just SO DARN EARLY! You know? But then, Kiley woke up this morning God awful early. At 5 AM. She was SO HAPPY to be awake, silly child. I wish I was that happy to be awake....
I feel like I'm being fake at my job. I do not care about shoes. I love the people I work with, that is why I stay. But, I am sick to death of talking about shoes. I do not care about shoes. They're shoes. Period. Who gives a shit? It's like spiders. People find them so scary. I don't give a shit, just let them go on about their business. That's what I'd like to do to the shoes. Let them go on about their business and go on with mine. But, I have Kiley to support and, quite frankly, the benefits are fabulous and I don't have the energy to look for another job...I should probably put some time into it anyway, since I will definitely be leaving when I start law school.
I have realized lately that there is a reason people wait to have babies, and I know that I will be waiting until I am very much established to have more. People want to learn who they are, who their partner is, if they really click with their partner, before they have children. They want to build up their career before they have a child, build up a nestegg. They want to be ready to enjoy their children. When I have more, that is the place where I will be. And I know that there's never a RIGHT time to have a baby. But, there's got to be a better time than now. And now is not a good time. I'm not settled. Anywhere near it. Kiley might be, like, 8 or 9 before I have another. That is the conclusion I've come to lately. That's what's right for me. It's not right for everybody. I feel like God is making that clear to me.
I guess it will just take some getting used to. I feel like I'm sleeping as I type. I know I need to go to bed but it's just SO DARN EARLY! You know? But then, Kiley woke up this morning God awful early. At 5 AM. She was SO HAPPY to be awake, silly child. I wish I was that happy to be awake....
I feel like I'm being fake at my job. I do not care about shoes. I love the people I work with, that is why I stay. But, I am sick to death of talking about shoes. I do not care about shoes. They're shoes. Period. Who gives a shit? It's like spiders. People find them so scary. I don't give a shit, just let them go on about their business. That's what I'd like to do to the shoes. Let them go on about their business and go on with mine. But, I have Kiley to support and, quite frankly, the benefits are fabulous and I don't have the energy to look for another job...I should probably put some time into it anyway, since I will definitely be leaving when I start law school.
I have realized lately that there is a reason people wait to have babies, and I know that I will be waiting until I am very much established to have more. People want to learn who they are, who their partner is, if they really click with their partner, before they have children. They want to build up their career before they have a child, build up a nestegg. They want to be ready to enjoy their children. When I have more, that is the place where I will be. And I know that there's never a RIGHT time to have a baby. But, there's got to be a better time than now. And now is not a good time. I'm not settled. Anywhere near it. Kiley might be, like, 8 or 9 before I have another. That is the conclusion I've come to lately. That's what's right for me. It's not right for everybody. I feel like God is making that clear to me.
News...
I find that when I write, I am more serene. So, I am going to make a habit of doing it more often. I want to be serene, anyways! Life is better with some serenity.
Serenity has always been a challenge for me...I am just naturally a nervous, excitable person. It's like I have ants crawling all over me all the time. Maybe it's my birth control. I don't know, I just know I have never had it easy there. Some people are just naturally calm and patient. Not me. I have to be moving all the time, which results in being tired all the time. Rather counter- productive if you ask me. I'm working on it, but I am learning that life, and sobriety especially, is a process.
I have been looking at my goals lately. When I was drinking, I had settled with the fact that I wanted to make a lot of money, and my goals were money based. I don't have the patience for that. I can't fake it to make money. I can't act heartless when I'm really not. I want to leave my children for a good reason, and sleep well at night. Apparently, women who work part time and take care of their kids part time are happiest. I think that would make me happy. For a long time, I thought a full time job and motherhood would be my calling. And it will. Eventually. But, while I am building my family, I like the part time work idea.
I want to go to law school....I have been making a plan to make that happen lately. I want to take the LSAT in October and be DONE with applying by February. If all goes as planned, I will be able to start in August 2013!!!!! I just have to figure out Kiley's and my money to support us and health insurance.....
Will write more later. I'm exhausted....
Serenity has always been a challenge for me...I am just naturally a nervous, excitable person. It's like I have ants crawling all over me all the time. Maybe it's my birth control. I don't know, I just know I have never had it easy there. Some people are just naturally calm and patient. Not me. I have to be moving all the time, which results in being tired all the time. Rather counter- productive if you ask me. I'm working on it, but I am learning that life, and sobriety especially, is a process.
I have been looking at my goals lately. When I was drinking, I had settled with the fact that I wanted to make a lot of money, and my goals were money based. I don't have the patience for that. I can't fake it to make money. I can't act heartless when I'm really not. I want to leave my children for a good reason, and sleep well at night. Apparently, women who work part time and take care of their kids part time are happiest. I think that would make me happy. For a long time, I thought a full time job and motherhood would be my calling. And it will. Eventually. But, while I am building my family, I like the part time work idea.
I want to go to law school....I have been making a plan to make that happen lately. I want to take the LSAT in October and be DONE with applying by February. If all goes as planned, I will be able to start in August 2013!!!!! I just have to figure out Kiley's and my money to support us and health insurance.....
Will write more later. I'm exhausted....
Saturday, January 7, 2012
My Dreams...
I am a dreamer. I always have been. Only I used to dream about making a lot of money, even until a couple months ago. I wanted to be an actress, so I could make money (Silly, I know). I wanted to be a businesswoman in the corporate world, so I could make money. I wanted to be a lawyer, so I could make money. However, the last couple of months, those dreams have started to evolve.
I'm not sure what made them evolve. I think starting work at my new job. I have started to realize that life isn't about making money, it's about doing what you enjoy. When you do what you enjoy, you never work a day in your life. If money happens as a result, that's great. I just want to leave Kiley for a good reason.
So, what do I want to do? Well, I want to be a lawyer and a real estate agent. I really think I would like both...However, making money is no longer my motivation. Now, my motivation is doing something I enjoy, something that gives me a good reason to leave Kiley everyday. I want to be a real estate agent because I have always loved houses and I can't see sitting in front of a computer all day everyday. Plus, I love the charm of houses. I think every house has a personality and would love to introduce others to that personality. I want to do law because I would like to make a difference in the life of horse owners and in the lives of families. I don't know how long I will practice law, though. My guess is until the corrupted nature of that world starts to catch up to me. I do know that I want no part in that. I used to think I did, I'll be honest. Today, I know I don't.
Another thing I would like to do is to open up a horse rescue eventually. I am adamantly against horse slaughter. I know the whole "there's a need for it" argument. You don't need to explain that to me. I also am aware that while that law was passed, more animal wound up abandoned. Um, duh. Because more laws weren't passed about equine breeding and ownership and people were still allowed to own them and not educate themselves on them. The law needs to be handled DIFFERENTLY. Ask for more info if you would like. I also know that as part of that rescue, I would put a clause in with every adoption that says that if, for whatever reason, that person came to a point where they couldn't afford the horse and couldn't sell the horse, I would take them back. And I would be set up to follow through with that. There's especially a need for more rescues for retired racing thoroughbreds and quarter horses. Not very many horses bred for racing actually make it in racing and most of the ones that don't make it wind up slaughtered. Also, quarter horses are idiot- proof. No matter how big of an idiot you are, you can usually get along fine with a quarter horse. Hence, why they are bred in such large quantities. I also would like to breed and show reining and barrel horses. Another little pipe dream. I was always destined for an exciting life. :D
Mainly, I just want to be happy and lead a fulfilled life. I know that that won't happen without working my program. I also want a few more kids. I know that their lives won't be fulfilled as children if mine isn't. That's why I try to work my program to the best of my ability everyday. I know that I don't want more until I am more established and settled. I had Kiley too young, and I wasn't established enough. I know that I should have waited. My job won't provide for her AND Kandi. I have done the math. I need something better, where I will make more, that much is clear. And those are the things I want so that I can get there. I know that now. It is clear to me. It's great to finally be this clear!
Later, I will go into greater detail on all the posts so far. Right now, I'm just providing a background. :)
I'm not sure what made them evolve. I think starting work at my new job. I have started to realize that life isn't about making money, it's about doing what you enjoy. When you do what you enjoy, you never work a day in your life. If money happens as a result, that's great. I just want to leave Kiley for a good reason.
So, what do I want to do? Well, I want to be a lawyer and a real estate agent. I really think I would like both...However, making money is no longer my motivation. Now, my motivation is doing something I enjoy, something that gives me a good reason to leave Kiley everyday. I want to be a real estate agent because I have always loved houses and I can't see sitting in front of a computer all day everyday. Plus, I love the charm of houses. I think every house has a personality and would love to introduce others to that personality. I want to do law because I would like to make a difference in the life of horse owners and in the lives of families. I don't know how long I will practice law, though. My guess is until the corrupted nature of that world starts to catch up to me. I do know that I want no part in that. I used to think I did, I'll be honest. Today, I know I don't.
Another thing I would like to do is to open up a horse rescue eventually. I am adamantly against horse slaughter. I know the whole "there's a need for it" argument. You don't need to explain that to me. I also am aware that while that law was passed, more animal wound up abandoned. Um, duh. Because more laws weren't passed about equine breeding and ownership and people were still allowed to own them and not educate themselves on them. The law needs to be handled DIFFERENTLY. Ask for more info if you would like. I also know that as part of that rescue, I would put a clause in with every adoption that says that if, for whatever reason, that person came to a point where they couldn't afford the horse and couldn't sell the horse, I would take them back. And I would be set up to follow through with that. There's especially a need for more rescues for retired racing thoroughbreds and quarter horses. Not very many horses bred for racing actually make it in racing and most of the ones that don't make it wind up slaughtered. Also, quarter horses are idiot- proof. No matter how big of an idiot you are, you can usually get along fine with a quarter horse. Hence, why they are bred in such large quantities. I also would like to breed and show reining and barrel horses. Another little pipe dream. I was always destined for an exciting life. :D
Mainly, I just want to be happy and lead a fulfilled life. I know that that won't happen without working my program. I also want a few more kids. I know that their lives won't be fulfilled as children if mine isn't. That's why I try to work my program to the best of my ability everyday. I know that I don't want more until I am more established and settled. I had Kiley too young, and I wasn't established enough. I know that I should have waited. My job won't provide for her AND Kandi. I have done the math. I need something better, where I will make more, that much is clear. And those are the things I want so that I can get there. I know that now. It is clear to me. It's great to finally be this clear!
Later, I will go into greater detail on all the posts so far. Right now, I'm just providing a background. :)
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