My Past

I'm going to give my lead here. It may get graphic, depending on how in-depth I get. It might not. Who knows?

So, in leads, we are supposed to tell what it was like, what happened, and what it's like today. So, that's what I will try to do here. I will start by saying that my sobriety date is May 30, 2009. It was the best decision I ever made. I have had 5 sponsors, all of who helped me in the way they were supposed to at the time. I plan on keeping this one for a while. I seem to sponsor- hop, even if I don't mean to. My current sponsor is a stay at home mom and she seems so serene in her sobriety. I want to be there one of these days and that is why I chose her.

I grew up with a mom and dad who enjoy drinking, neither of who have to have alcohol. My mom is a teetotaler. My dad drinks a lot and enjoys it, but he isn't an alcoholic. Growing up, I saw all the adults having alcohol and then being goofy. I thought that's what it was like, that if you drank out of a wine glass that you were "cool" and "glamorous" and cool and glamorous were what I wanted to be, only I never was. I would steal drinks out of my parents glass growing up and they didn't understand why I did it. I can't say I do. I hated the taste. My guess is that I liked the way a drink warmed my veins and made me feel silly. I was a total lightweight back then. A couple sips can make a 6 year old kind of tipsy.  It was awesome!

I should say that I thought it was totally cool when adults got plastered at parties. They never seemed to have any consequences, and I wanted to be like THOSE adults. I should have known at that time that I had a problem, before I even really got started. I thought that falling over drunk was glamorous. I also never felt like I fit in anywhere. I felt shunned everywhere, like I needed to ask your permission to join in the conversation. The first time I tried alcohol was freshman year of high school. I just know I wanted more. I also discovered boys that night. I had arrived.

Freshman year, I continued hanging out with boys and drinking wherever and whenever I could. I don't think I EVER had a normal drink after the first time I got drunk. I knew that first night that I wanted to be as drunk as possible as often as possible. I didn't care where the alcohol came from or who I upset to get it. I just knew I had to have it. I remember going bowling with everyone one night. I saw a pitcher of beer across the room and started shaking, I wanted it so bad. I told my friend that I thought I was an alcoholic. I just knew I was going to drink forever, no matter WHO was around where. I had a boyfriend for almost two months that year and treated him like shit. I cheated on him with some random guy and then started hooking up with his best friend when we broke up.

I got kicked out of school freshman year and swore off alcohol "forever." "Forever" lasted.....about a year? I started smoking weed the next April. I had arrived again. I smoked out of every type of weed receptacle for about 5 hours straight. I should have known then, too. I was 16. I smoked weed all the time for a little bit and then found alcohol again. Weed made me drink less alcohol, though, and allowed me to trick myself into believing that I was normal. I then found a friend whose dad was a pot dealer and stayed high that summer. I thought my mom didn't know, even though I would go home and ask for ice cream and a sandwich and poptarts. She's not a moron. Obviously.

Then, junior year I got into pills for about a month, but I went right back to alcohol. One drink was never enough. I loved it. I still never fit in anywhere. I got back together with that boyfriend from freshman year for about a week, then he found another girlfriend. I will say that that is the best gift he gave me. At that point, I began to pull myself out of that slump, found horses, and didn't look back to boys for about 3 years. Horses and, you know, being dry, kept me up for a while. I still drank. Oh, buddy, I drank! I threw back. I didn't care who I was with and told myself that because I rarely drank alone, I didn't have a problem. But, I manipulated people into getting me alcohol. During those 3 years, I also started hanging out with "classy" drinkers that didn't drink much and drank what they DID drink out of a wine glass.
Normal. Right?

So, after freshman year of college I slept with a friend that I believed I could manipulate into liking me by sleeping with. Didn't work. Duh. I used that as an excuse to drink for a while. But, that's all it was. An excuse. Sophomore year of college it really took off. I started smoking weed just about daily after falling off my horse. I convinced myself I was self medicating. I first did methadone, then other pills, then weed. I know, backwards. Weed was cheaper and easier to find. I was drinking a lot as well. I also convinced myself that I didn't have a problem because I never bought the weed. I tried to get a dealer to take a check once. Um. Lame. I also continued to use guys to get me high.

My horse was the closest she had ever been to me. I should have been spending all my free time with her, but I didn't. I spent my free time getting high and drunk. I started to black out. I wasn't even entertaining when I blacked out. It just meant that I got carried out of bars and parties because I couldn't stand up. Then, one day, as I was driving home from the barn, I realized that I needed rehab, or something. I didn't admit yet that I was an alcoholic, but I needed something to get out of where I was. Anything. I tried scheduling my day just so. I tried to quit smoking weed myself. I told my best friend that I would stop doing the stuff I was doing on New Years Eve. I didn't. I couldn't. I tried.

One weekend, I went home and was hanging out with a friend. She asked me if I wanted to go to a 12 step meeting with her. I said I would go, to support her. That meeting saved my life. And created one. Kiley wasn't exactly created at that meeting, but it certainly made it possible for her to be here. This guy at the meeting told his story. He said that at the end, he was sitting there with a bottle of vodka in one hand and a pistol in the other. I knew I would get there. I had lost a job because of my drinking. No one respected me. I was about to lose my scholarship. It was time to be done. That night, I went to an "after meeting" with my friends. I got a 24 hours coin there. The next night, my friend from the meeting got me drunk and high. She didn't drink, even though she was watching me drink. I threw up all over myself that night. This kid took me in the bathroom and washed my feet. I passed out on the couch. I woke up and said I was ready to get sober. I went to a meeting when I got back to Frankfort. That was where I met Tobey.

The first year of my sobriety, I tried to work Tobey's program for him. It really wasn't good for me. The second year, I spent a lot of time by myself and REALLY got to know myself and God. My walls started to come down. I started to speak in meetings and to help out and help other alcoholics. Life got better. Since I have gotten sober, life has improved immeasurably. It's definitely still hard sometimes. When it gets good, I tend to stop working the program and things fall apart. However, you couldn't pay me enough money to get drunk again. My life now is SO much better. It's not where I want it, but I will get there. It's obviously where I need to be right now. my relationship with God is stronger than ever before and he helps me SO much in everything I do.  I wouldn't be anywhere near the mother I am or the person I am without the program and without God. I am SO blessed!