Oh the Places I'll Go!

I was reading a very wonderful book to my daughter tonight. It was not the longest book, nor the most profound. It was this: 

Oh, the Places You'll Go!

by Dr. Seuss

Congratulations!
Today is your day.
You're off to Great Places!
You're off and away!

You have brains in your head.
You have feet in your shoes
You can steer yourself
any direction you choose.
You're on your own.  And you know what you know.
And YOU are the guy who'll decide where to go.

You'll look up and down streets.  Look 'em over with care.
About some you will say, "I don't choose to go there."
With your head full of brains and your shoes full of feet,
you're too smart to go down any not-so-good street.  

And you may not find any
you'll want to go down.
In that case, of course,
you'll head straight out of town.

It's opener there
in the wide open air.

Out there things can happen
and frequently do
to people as brainy
and footsy as you.

And when things start to happen,
don't worry.  Don't stew.
Just go right along.
You'll start happening too.

OH!
THE PLACES YOU'LL GO!

You'll be on your way up!
You'll be seeing great sights!
You'll join the high fliers
who soar to high heights.

You won't lag behind, because you'll have the speed.
You'll pass the whole gang and you'll soon take the lead.
Wherever you fly, you'll be the best of the best.
Wherever you go, you will top all the rest.

Except when you don't
Because, sometimes, you won't.

I'm sorry to say so
but, sadly, it's true
and Hang-ups
can happen to you.

You can get all hung up
in a prickle-ly perch.
And your gang will fly on.
You'll be left in a Lurch. 

You'll come down from the Lurch
with an unpleasant bump.
And the chances are, then,
that you'll be in a Slump.

And when you're in a Slump,
you're not in for much fun.
Un-slumping yourself
is not easily done.

You will come to a place where the streets are not marked.
Some windows are lighted.  But mostly they're darked.
A place you could sprain both your elbow and chin!
Do you dare to stay out?  Do you dare to go in?
How much can you lose? How much can you win?

And IF you go in, should you turn left or right...
or right-and-three-quarters? Or, maybe, not quite?
Or go around back and sneak in from behind?
Simple it's not, I'm afraid you will find,
for a mind-maker-upper to make up his mind.

You can get so confused
that you'll start in to race
down long wiggled roads at a break-necking pace
and grind on for miles across weirdish wild space,
headed, I fear, toward a most useless place.
The Waiting Place...

...for people just waiting.
Waiting for a train to go
or a bus to come, or a plane to go
or the mail to come, or the rain to go
or the phone to ring, or the snow to snow
or waiting around for a Yes or a No
or waiting for their hair to grow.
Everyone is just waiting.

Waiting for the fish to bite
or waiting for wind to fly a kite
or waiting around for Friday night
or waiting, perhaps, for their Uncle Jake
or a pot to boil, or a Better Break
or a string of pearls, or a pair of pants
or a wig with curls, or Another Chance.
Everyone is just waiting.

NO!
That's not for you!

Somehow you'll escape
all that waiting and staying.
You'll find the bright places
where Boom Bands are playing.

With banner flip-flapping,
once more you'll ride high!
Ready for anything under the sky.
Ready because you're that kind of a guy!

Oh, the places you'll go! There is fun to be done!
There are points to be scored.  there are games to be won.
And the magical things you can do with that ball
will make you the winning-est winner of all.
Fame!  You'll be famous as famous can be,
with the whole wide world watching you win on TV.

Except when they don't.
Because, sometimes, they won't.

I'm afraid that some times
you'll play lonely games too.
Games you can't win
'cause you'll play against you.

All Alone!
Whether you like it or not,
Alone will be something
you'll be quite a lot.

And when you're alone, there's a very good chance
you'll meet things that scare you right out of your pants.
There are some, down the road between hither and yon,
that can scare you so much you won't want to go on.

But on you will go
though the weather be foul
On you will go
though your enemies prowl
On you will go
though the Hakken-Kraks howl
Onward up many
a frightening creek,
though your arms may get sore
and your sneakers may leak.

On and on you will hike
and I know you'll hike far
and face up to your problems
whatever they are.

You'll get mixed up, of course,
as you already know.
You'll get mixed up
with many strange birds as you go.
So be sure when you step.
Step with care and great tact
and remember that Life's
a Great Balancing Act.
Just never forget to be dexterous and deft.
And never mix up your right foot with your left.

And will you succeed?
Yes! You will, indeed!
(98 and 3/4 percent guaranteed.)

KID, YOU'LL MOVE MOUNTAINS!

So...
be your name Buxbaum or Bixby or Bray
or Mordecai Ali Van Allen O'Shea,
you're off to Great Places!
Today is your day!
Your mountain is waiting.
So...get on your way!

From http://homepages.ius.edu/HARRISLA/places.htm

These are all the things I want for Kiley- but more than anything, I want her to be happy and fulfilled, to realize that life is in the journey, not so much in the destination. 

I also want her to know that the journey of life never just stops. She has to muddle through it all- and she won't always come out on top. I want her to be okay when that happens. 

Hopefully, my having had her so young will help her see that. She will get to see my struggles- and perhaps not make my mistakes as a result. I hope she waits for a child until she is fully ready. 

I hope she also realizes what a miracle she is for me. She has helped keep me sober on numerous occasions. She is a little angel to get to know. I hope that as she grows, she knows that. I hope I show it to her well...

As selfish as it may be, I want those things for me. I want to be okay at the bottom, and during my struggle to the top. I want to have God there with me, I want to make deeper connections. Perhaps that is where I should make an effort next- making deeper connections. I feel like that is what is missing from Findlay, but life gets in the way. 

I never have realized how profound Dr. Seuss can be... 

        

Mothering a 2- year- old

Mothering a two year old is an adventure, to say the least. It's a 24/7 "Okay, I'll listen; well no, there's a pretty bug  right here!; I'm hungry; I'm tired; I'm cold; I'm...." Ahhhhhh!!!! Sometimes, I want to pull my hair (or her's!) out, then the next moment I want to hold her and never let her go.

At the end of the day, when I put her to bed and look at that sweet face, it is certainly ALL worth it. But, the days can be challenging. For a long time, "You'll get a time out if you don't come here right now!" worked perfectly fine. Now, when I ask her if she wants a time out, she will say, "NO!" over her shoulder and keep doing what she is doing. The research I have done and the choices I have made tell me that hitting or spanking is not an option, so other things, however exhausting, will have to do, however tiring they may be. This might mean 700 time outs a day, 459 offering other options to entertain herself with, other food, etc. And I will NOT bribe her with food! That's bad too, or so I read. ;) Sometimes, it's hard being a mom who researches everything, but I feel that she will turn out better for it.

Today, I took her to a meeting, where she changed her mind about what she wanted to do and where she wanted to be about 5 times. Then, she hit her head on the table. I rushed, aching back and all, to pick her up and get her out of that room before the silent screams erupted into loud, heckled sobs. Then, she wanted to go outside, where she wanted to play hide and seek, and to touch the Smoker's Outpost, which she knows she is not supposed to do. And she does that, too- touches it just to get me going. She then cracks up when I reprimand her for it, as if it were the funniest thing she had ever seen.

Why is it that before I had children, my children would NEVER behave that way, and now she does everything I said she never would and nothing that I decided she would do? Because she is her own person, that's why. I tend to hope that through consistency and love, she will grow into a well- rounded, able- bodied individual. You know- one who can support herself! I want to give her the freedom to discover who Kiley is, while not hurting anyone or stepping on anyone else's toes. She does not always do what I tell her, but hopefully others will understand that she is 2- so she is learning what is required of her. She will obey me, most of the time, eventually.

I am at a point that I am okay with her journey, and anyone who isn't can remove themselves. I do not have time for others to crush her spirit. And if they try, mama's claws will come out. It has happened, and probably will again. No, I will not discuss the fact that she made more noise than she should have with you. I do not think that there is a point. I am learning, too, and will make adjustments where needed. If she was too noisy, chances are that I know this and will change the behavior next time. I do not sit there and twiddle my thumbs with her. I am an active mom, maybe too active. I love it, everything about it. I am okay with that- and I am okay with me. 

Book review of Frankenstein

Frankenstein was hard to read, I cannot even lie about that.

Why?

Because Victor was complaining about his deplorable situation the entire time. It may have been easier to feel sorry for him if he hadn't PUT HIMSELF IN IT! He created this creature, and then ran away from it and didn't see it for three years. It was like an abandoned baby. Um, why yes! It would have gone bad! Duh!

Abandoned children tend to have issues bonding. Why? Because they HAVE NOT bonded. You have to learn to do things, even bond. If you are not taught, you will not know how.

I feel like the Creature would have had a better chance of fitting into society if Victor had stayed with him and taught him how to be a normal human being, rather than abandoning him for three years and then telling him to go away when he found him. So many things are wrong with that, I don't even know where to start....

The only truly interesting parts involved the Creature telling his story. Yes, the Creature threatened Victor, but he didn't know any other way to not feel lonely. I am convinced of it. He had the human need to bond with another living being. And, at the end, the Creature expressed remorse for the harm he had caused Victor and his family.

I think Shelley meant to make the Creature one we could feel sympathy for, and that we were supposed to feel sympathy for Victor, too. But, she missed the boat on that one. I didn't feel sympathy for Victor. I felt annoyance and utter disgust. Perhaps it has to do with the fact that Tobey abandoned Kiley, and Victor abandoned the Creature. Deadbeat dads are useless in my mind. They waste good space. Victor wasted good space. It's almost as though Shelley was trying to make us feel more sorry for Victor, but I couldn't....

Having said that, I think Victor's initial intentions were good. He wanted people to be able to bring people that they loved back to life, but he also wanted these people to look to him as GOD, so MAYBE his ultimate intentions were selfish...hmmm.

I don't think that Victor should have destroyed the female creature, since he obviously was not going to try to assimilate his "child"- the Creature- into society. It's only fair, and it would help the Creature to fulfill that human need for a mate. Selfish? Possibly. Useful? Yes. I am not always against selfishness. I'm just not. Sometimes, human beings have to be selfish- so long as another is not negatively impacted. I feel strongly about that.

I also think that Shelley imposed too much drama into the story line. I think the book could have done with a little more toning down. Too much drama doesn't make a story believable. Although, if she were not going for believable, she did a good job tying everything together.

As a whole, I did not like the book. I found it to be whiny and overly dramatic. I tried to get into it. I did, but I just couldn't get past the whining. I haven't given up on Shelley yet. I will try to read her other books before I pass judgment on her writing!

Living up to my own expectations

A common theme in my life has always been that I don't meet my expectations. I do today, even moreso Friday, but tomorrow, something may happen and and I'll flip back to that place where I don't meet my expectations.

Why? Because other people's opinions of me still has an effect on me. BUT, and some may not agree, I don't always think that that is necessarily a bad thing.

When you are trying to start your career, other people who have been doing it longer than you, people who are, frankly, better than you at what you are doing, will give you honest opinions that may or may not be helpful. BUT, I find that in 9 cases out of 10, they are, because they are honest. I have not had experience with instructors who were kind AND honest, but that is what I find I have at Findlay. They don't tell you that you are better than or worse than another, and they said that they never would.

And their philosophy is unspoken, that the idea is to improve on YOUR personal best, not to compete with other people. I think that is brilliant.

I've always been told that I'm better than so and so and that I will NEVER be as good as so and so. I've not heard too much that I've improved my personal best, but here I do. So, it is good to base your opinions of yourself off of certain things people say, off of constructive criticism. Also, there is beauty in separating the pieces of you. If someone is criticizing my riding, for example, they are not criticizing who I am as a person. If someone is suggesting that I ought to look at this side of myself and figure out what is causing me to behave the way I am, I know that they are simply trying to be helpful. As long as I use that as an opportunity to grow, whether or not what they are saying is accurate, there is growth to be gained from that comment. If I let it cause me to cry myself to sleep for weeks on end, that is a different story.

The point that I am trying to get out here is that there are multiple shades of grey when it comes to letting another get to us. What matters is what we do with it. If I do inventory, speak to my sponsor, speak to some friends and honestly tell that what happened and we decide that it's not accurate, I let it go. Sometimes, I have to let that person go too. NOBODY is worth my serenity, except Kiley. If it is helpful, I will work on that area, and not complain about it. If you are actively trying to improve me or my riding, I will take what you say into account and try that. And I will actively try to figure out if what you are saying is the truth, unless I already know it is. I DO care about what you think of me, if you know what you are talking about. The difference is that today, it won't consume me the way it did.

My basic expectations today is to keep improving ME. Don't take steps backwards. And if I do, I cannot beat myself up for it. I just have to work on getting back on track. This program, and this life, is about progress, not perfection. Today, it's a little easier to remember that than it was three years ago. 

Muse

My muse is hiding. I have tried to post entertaining stuff on here in the past, and it simply has not worked. I used to be able to write very entertaining things, then I got hardcore into drinking and have been in recovery for over three years but...my stuff here lately has not been so entertaining. The only logical explanation that I can come up with is that my muse must be hiding from me.... and I cannot find her/him/it. It's on the tip of my tongue, but I just cannot find the words. I have so much STUFF running through my head day in and day out. It's like cars traveling at a fast speed on a highway and I cannot get it to hold still long enough to write about it, which is too bad, because I LOVE to write.

Speaking of that car.... it not only is going fast, but it is doing all kinds of loops and spins and rolls. It is a mess, with dents and scratches all over, much like my brain....The only way to get it out of this funk is to force it out. Write. I'll write about Kiley below.

Here is Kiley on her 2nd birthday. All kinds of happy! She was riding her new tricycle in her helmet and fairy costume. All birthday presents, other than the helmet. She loves them! She also likes putting on lipstick, which she was given by my friends, Marilyn and Genna, for her birthday! She is so beautiful, which is surprising, seeing as neither her father or I are exactly beautiful. Decent looking, yes. Beautiful, no. Am I putting me down? No, but I am honest about myself. I am beautiful on the inside today, some days more than others. But, I make beautiful children, and she is a perfect example! She loves riding Kandi (my horse) and playing with dolls. And I love HER! When she was born, I never could have imagined how much, but she breaks the mold every day, makes my heart swell with pride, and teaches me what life is REALLY all about.

Oh, muse, come back soon!

Modern Life

So, I was informed recently that my blog post about why I am pro-choice made me sound selfish. Combing through it, I am unsure which part makes me sound selfish. The part where I say every child should be wanted? Or the part where I say that we shouldn't put children here who will only suffer unnecessarily? Or the part where I said that MOST foster children are emancipated homeless? Perhaps someone ought to clear that up for me. I am quite confused. I rather think that all those reasons are selfless and that the conservative idea that babies should live, but not have any other assistance if needed it quite selfish, that QUALITY of life is just as important as the existence of it. So sue me. If that makes ME selfish, so be it. I guess I am selfish.

I started school at University of Findlay on August 20. It wasn't quite what I thought it would be, and I am more tired than I thought I would be. I tried to take the sophomore and junior riding classes, and Steve (Brown, the instructor) told me on day 3 that he thought I would be better and would learn more in the Freshman class. That was a blow to my ego. It was a crushing blow, especially since just 2 years ago, I was good and ready. He said I could stay in the sophomore class, but it was just one thing too much for me. I know that I need to go back to basics, that is clear to me. I ride like a stiff board again. I am nervous (?). I don't really know why, but that tells me that going back to the basics would be a good thing. I have learned some things, for sure, and feel more comfortable than I felt when I was trying to ride with the sophomores and juniors. I might get my associates, or I might get another bachelors on a part time basis. I have enough credits for it, but I would just need to see how that would work with financial aid.

I also have some ideas for internships/apprenticeships. One would be with Jordan, a barrel racer in Utica and Sunbury. One with Sherry in Sunbury, one with Patrick in Sunbury, and one with Mike Craig in Indiana. Or all of them. There are some things I like about all of them. Patrick, I know, is a world champion Reiner. I could learn something from them all. Sherry taught me to properly lunge Kandi, and she is real into Clinton Andersen Natural Horsemanship, which I have seen work. Here is his website. She's calmer than Patrick, which I am definitely more laid back as well. Plus, she doesn't let her ego get in the way- she will let you know if she does not know something. Also, I may show Kandi this Spring, if I have the funds. This means I have to find a job, and this time I want to look for one that I might truly enjoy. One from home might be nice....That would be nice, not having to take out as much money for living expenses....

Also, I am in an Intro to Law class, which is fascinating. I don't know if I want to go into Law or not, but it is certainly an interesting field to study, and I would love to study it more. Also, I have recently become interested in Transportation, specifically RVs and horse trailers. I don't know anything about them, but they are interesting. I think I should just become an entrepreneur. I have so many business interests and I don't like to sit there at a computer....

Why I decided to have a natural childbirth- and why I will again

The disadvantages would be enough for me to choose to go naturally. 

Read them. You should at least know the risk you are putting you and your baby under if you choose an epidural. I know, some cannot do it without one. That's fine. There comes a time when you have to decide, no I cannot do it. I could handle it. Besides, your body makes it's own painkillers. I will pick the article apart to explain why I decided on no epidural, and why I will probably go for a completely natural homebirth next time.

"Epidurals may cause your blood pressure to suddenly drop. For this reason your blood pressure will be routinely checked to help ensure an adequate blood flow to your baby. If there is a sudden drop in blood pressure, you may need to be treated with IV fluids, medications, and oxygen."

Um. No, thank you!!

"You may experience a severe headache caused by leakage of spinal fluid. Less than 1% of women experience this side effect. If symptoms persist, a procedure called a “blood patch”, which is an injection of your blood into the epidural space, can be performed to relieve the headache."

More unnecessary intervention may be needed because of it. Again, no thank you.

 "After your epidural is placed, you will need to alternate sides while lying in bed and have continuous monitoring for changes in fetal heart rate. Lying in one position can sometimes cause labor to slow down or stop."

Um. Duh. Laboring in a lying- down position will cause labor to slow down. Why? Gravity...

"You might experience the following side effects: shivering, ringing of the ears, backache, soreness where the needle is inserted, nausea, or difficulty urinating."

Sounds uncomfortable. I do not understand why anyone would choose that. And why does it matter if you have difficulty urinating? You pretty much have to wait to get up until the baby is delivered anyway, in this situation.

"You might find that your epidural makes pushing more difficult and additional interventions such as Pitocin, forceps, vacuum extraction or cesarean might become necessary."

I pushed like a champ and had her out in 6 pushes. Yeah. It's better when you can feel it. I have read births with epidurals can take 15 minutes longer of pushing, and up to two hours. No thank you. I would rather not feel like my vagina is on fire longer than I have to. :D

"For a few hours after the birth the lower half of your body may feel numb. Numbness will require you to walk with assistance."

I do NOT do well with assistance. This alone made me decide not to get an epidural. Plus, I could get up and move around directly afterwards!

"In rare instances, permanent nerve damage may result in the area where the catheter was inserted."

Uh no no no no no!!!!!!!!!! I would like to ride and chase my two year old and NOT worry about back issues later on down the road!!!

"Though research is somewhat ambiguous, most studies suggest that some babies will have trouble "latching on" causing breastfeeding difficulties. Other studies suggest that a baby might experience respiratory depression, fetal malpositioning, and an increase in fetal heart rate variability, thus increasing the need for forceps, vacuum, cesarean deliveries and episiotomies."

I wouldn't want anything to come between my breastfeeding relationship with my baby! Also, I know that BECAUSE epidurals, as a whole, cause labor to slow down, they leave baby more open to infection because as the fluid drips out, the baby's protection against infection get less and less. I don't want that. More babies wind up in the NICU as an indirect result of epidurals than I care to count! I just don't want to leave my baby open to that kind of thing.

Epidurals ARE necessary in some cases:

• Allows you to rest if your labor is prolonged
• When other types of coping mechanisms are no longer helping, an epidural can help you deal with exhaustion, irritability, and fatigue. An epidural can allow you to rest, relax, get focused and give you the strength to move forward as an active participant in your birth experience.

I don't judge others, but I know that for my babies and I, a natural labor IS the right choice. It DOES work for me. I have proven that, especially since I was given pitocin to try to speed labor along and it WORKED!!! Ouch! However, I don't want to be forced into that again. This is why I believe a home birth is the way for me to go next time. 

Why I am pro choice

This is a long list.

Basically, I believe that every child should be a wanted child. You can use the "But people wait years for healthy babies!" excuse all you want, but the fact is, most babies who are aborted are babies who would not have been healthy anyway because their parents were not ready for them and knew that. And there are hundreds of thousands of children in foster care. Adding to the foster care system is not appealing to me.

How many kids emerge from the foster care system severely traumatized? I shudder to think about it!
This is a link of statistics in foster care I absolutely stopped breathing when I read that 65% ARE EMANCIPATED HOMELESS!!!!!! What is wrong with this country that this goes on? I hate to say it, but they may have been better off never having been born...This is statistics of prisoners who grew up in foster care. So, where are all these families waiting for healthy babies? Were they not white enough for them? Were they born with fetal alcohol syndrome and drug addictions and that just did not fit in with their plans? I can't say that I blame them. I wouldn't want to adopt a 3 year old who was sexually abused by her crack head mother's boyfriend when she was 2. That doesn't sound like fun to me! No wonder there are so many unwanted children out there!

I have had people ask me if becoming a mother has changed my view on abortion. No. Not at all. In fact, it has made me support abortion more. And not because I don't love my daughter. Because I know how much work she is, and I knew a lot of the people I have met could not handle that, in any way. I have also seen, and more so heard of, the result of babies born to mothers who were doing drugs. Not pretty, and not healthy. And heard of people smoking crack with their infant child right next to them. They kept them because human instinct is to keep our children close and to take care of them. And at the time, they thought they could take care of them. They honestly, truly believed that. For some, that's enough. But for others, it's not. And the children suffer the consequences. It's simply not ideal to expect many college students, teenagers, and young at heart to part with their children. I still want to be with my daughter, almost all the time. It goes against human instinct for us to give our child to someone else to raise, and not all of us are so unselfish as to find a nice family and give our children to them. That's okay. That's human instinct. I'm sick of people acting like it's not. We all have pain, some of us more than others. For anyone to put down anothers' pain is wrong and in-compassionate.

There are also cases where the baby is just not healthy, or the mother is unhealthy and terminating the pregnancy would allow her to fight to get well. Pregnancy speeds some cancers along, and you cannot do chemo, etc. when you are pregnant. So, the mother will sometimes die before she gives birth. So, baby dies too anyway, or is born extremely unhealthy because the mother was too sick to eat right. Yeah, sounds like a great situation to bring a baby into! Or, she is just super unhealthy while pregnant and gives birth to a stillborn baby 3 months early. I know, not every situation.....but quite a few. An unhealthy baby is not worth it to me. And babies who have down syndrome, etc....okay, maybe you could take care of them their whole life....but eventually you will be old. Then who will take care of you? And them? Some of them are unable to work, so society pours disability money into them. Not that money matters, and maybe these people are put here to teach us something. From my totally non medical opinion, most miscarriages are children who would have been more susceptible to be born with down syndrome, cerebral palsy, etc. but some of them make it through anyway. Should we off them before they make their appearance? I'm not sure, but it might be something I would consider. That's hard on them. Very freakin' hard....Why would we bring someone into the world who is going to have such a hard life? Isn't that cruel? For me, I kind of tend to think so.  That's a situational basis, but severe cases of this should not be. I consider it in-compassionate to not terminate a pregnancy with a child who has severe Gastroschisis or some other disease for which all they can do once the child is born is make them comfortable until they die.

For me, quality of life is just as important, if not more so than life itself. It's important for a child to be born whose wanted, who's birth was dreamed about and planned for, because those are usually the children who do well. This is a known fact. Does that mean that children who are not will not do well? Well, no. Life is not black and white. But, I believe that a woman who was raped, or whose birth control failed should not have to adjust their life if they are not ready. Sometimes they are, which is fine. Some will not agree with this and that is fine.

Does that mean I think people should be able to have 5 abortions in 3 years and continue to get pregnant and have abortions? No. I think that is irresponsible. Do I think you should be able to get an abortion after the 1st trimester because your spouse left you? No....I think that's a self involved reason. Is it right for somebody? Maybe. I just think pregnancies are a situational basis, not everyone is READY to be a parent, nor are they READY to give up their child....This is sad, and can be emotionally traumatizing. But I know people who have done it, and I don't think they are murderers. And they know they made the right choice, for them at the time. Good for them.

Would it be right for me? I tend to doubt that, but maybe it would be. Maybe it would not be right at the time, or maybe it would. I have no way of knowing. If I took fertility medications and found out I would be having 5 at once....I think I would terminate the 3 weaker ones, so the other two would have a better chance of thriving. Maybe to you it seems cold hearted, but to me, it's just common sense, and it's kindest for my child(ren).
 

My first attempt at a short story in.....years!

"He's not quitting football," he said, staring her down, breathing hard. It was as if he thought he could breathe some sense into her. His wife rarely let anyone talk her out of anything, unless she knew she had no choice.

"Oh? And you plan on stopping him?" She stared back at him, not intimidated.

"Yes. He's my son. If I tell him I won't let him, he won't do it! We cannot let him be a quitter, or he will learn that's okay!" He was devastated, but he didn't want to let her know how much it meant to him. They had two older sons, both of whom were currently playing football in college. They had been his prides and joy, and he was determined that his youngest son would make him proud as well. He was the most talented of the three, and had the most potential to make it pro.

"And you honestly think that he would be okay with that? He might continue to play, but he would resent you. Hard core. Is that really worth it to you? He doesn't want football for his life. That's just the way it is. Besides, I've seen him act. He's great at it! The best thing was do for his is encourage him in what he wants to do.If we want him to keep talking to us at least...."
"My goal is NOT to make him want to talk to me! It's to make sure he has a future!," he interrupted. He was getting mad now. Partially because she clearly was not going to back down and partially because he knew she was right and he did not want to admit it. He had pinned a lot of dreams and hopes on Raul, put a lot of hours in with him, sweated and bled with him. For what? What was it all for if he dropped out of football? He could not help but feel let down. His wife recognized that, he could tell. It was annoying, how she knew just what he was thinking all the time. They'd been married for 26 years. That is what happened when you had been married that long. But, it still annoyed him.

"He won't have a future with acting?" She paused, waiting for a reaction from him, but he just glared at her, eyes looking through her rather than at her. "Baby, he is not doing this to punish you." She shrugged, and moved closer to him. "This is what he wants. I know you're disappointed. I am too, honestly. I had hopes that this would be his future. Maybe he could have bought us a house in the Bahamas." She smiled at him, letting him know she was joking. He smiled back, sheepishly. She shrugged again. "It's clearly just not in the clouds for him. We might have a little grieving to do about it, and that's okay. This is life. His life. Haven't you seen him act? He's amazing at it!"

He looked at her, arms crossed, wall back up for a time. Finally we said, "We shall see." He turned around and walked out of the tack room. She smiled, shook her head, and went back to sweeping it out. 

Week without baby

So, this last week, Kiley has been in Arizona with my parents.

I am not one of those moms that likes to be without their baby often. I enjoyed some time to myself, yes, but I couldn't wait to be with her again! I hung out with Tim, and that was nice, plenty of time just for us. But, at the end of the day, I just wanted to be with Kiley.

Unless you are a parent, you cannot understand what it's like to be without your child. It's like being a fish without water, or a turtle without a shell. You grow used to seeing them everyday, to taking care of them everyday. When they are not there, you almost do not know what to do with yourself.

I'm so glad to be back with my little bean! She gave me all kinds of kisses when I saw her! She was obviously a little tired, but happy to see mommy nonetheless. And I was SUPER happy to see her!!!!
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I want more babies, but not anytime soon. Right now, I'm enjoying being Kiley's mommy. I want to watch her grow before I add more complication to the mix. I will at least be waiting until my Mirena comes out in October of 2015. That is for sure.

You already know that I want to ride horses. That's nothing new. I don't see it happening unless I go back to school. I always used to want to go to Findlay, and I am seriously thinking about going there for another two bachelors, one in Equestrian Studies with an Emphasis in Western Riding and Training AND one in pre law. My mother would prefer that I did not, but it is looking more and more like the right choice. I prayed for God to show my the answer, and my high school transcript was waiting on the desk when I went to get it. What? I graduated almost 5 years ago. That, to me, is a sign. I know I'll have to work, but I miss school. And I want to ride, or somehow be involved with horses to make my living. I am starting to think that I may want to do Equine Law, as well. Plans would change, but if it's what God wants, things will work out the way they are supposed to.

Working 4-10s

I enjoy working 4- 10s per week. I have more time off and I find I'm able to be a better mommy. I don't really know what causes it, just that it's true. It's definitely more tiring on the days I work, but gives me more time off which is very nice.

Kiley is growing like a little weed! She is now 20 months which makes her nearing 2 years old. She is SO smart! She is potty training and is figuring out the world so quickly! And her nose, as you can see from the picture. She likes to jump up and down on my bladder. The funny part? I like it, even though it hurts at the time.

We visited her father. I find that weird to say. I was unsettled about it on the way. I was freaking out. I would say it felt like I was running into an old using buddy, but I WAS walking right INTO an old using buddy. It was intense. I was sweating like it was July. But, Kiley and he had a nice visit. I haven't heard from him since. I should've figured. But, leave it to me to expect.

I need to go back to school, no matter what I study. It's really that simple. I wasn't ready for life when I left college, and I need to get there, whether it be through law school or some other type of grad school. Anyway you spin it, I need to start in Fall of 13. I might be in school for a while and I'm okay with that! I miss school and I want it back in the worst way!!!! Maybe next time I graduate, I will actually be prepared for life. I have spent months beating myself up over not being ready for life yet, but I have to realize that it comes differently for different people.  Some quickly, others slowly. For me, I guess it's just slowly. Which is painful, with a baby especially, but definitely, totally worth it to realize that! This journey I've been on lately is freeing and beautiful.

New Hours

I have new working hours. 8:45-7:15 4 days a week. Yes, 4 10s. I know, I'm crazy. Possibly demented. I seem to write and bowl and exist better than way. Maybe it helps me tap into me. So, whatever.

I guess it will just take some getting used to. I feel like I'm sleeping as I type. I know I need to go to bed but it's just SO DARN EARLY! You know? But then, Kiley woke up this morning God awful early. At 5 AM. She was SO HAPPY to be awake, silly child. I wish I was that happy to be awake....

I feel like I'm being fake at my job. I do not care about shoes. I love the people I work with, that is why I stay. But, I am sick to death of talking about shoes. I do not care about shoes. They're shoes. Period. Who gives a shit? It's like spiders. People find them so scary. I don't give a shit, just let them go on about their business. That's what I'd like to do to the shoes. Let them go on about their business and go on with mine. But, I have Kiley to support and, quite frankly, the benefits are fabulous and I don't have the energy to look for another job...I should probably put some time into it anyway, since I will definitely be leaving when I start law school.

I have realized lately that there is a reason people wait to have babies, and I know that I will be waiting until I am very much established to have more. People want to learn who they are, who their partner is, if they really click with their partner, before they have children. They want to build up their career before they have a child, build up a nestegg. They want to be ready to enjoy their children. When I have more, that is the place where I will be. And I know that there's never a RIGHT time to have a baby. But, there's got to be a better time than now. And now is not a good time. I'm not settled. Anywhere near it. Kiley might be, like, 8 or 9 before I have another. That is the conclusion I've come to lately. That's what's right for me. It's not right for everybody. I feel like God is making that clear to me.

News...

I find that when I write, I am more serene. So, I am going to make a habit of doing it more often. I want to be serene, anyways! Life is better with some serenity.

Serenity has always been a challenge for me...I am just naturally a nervous, excitable person. It's like I have ants crawling all over me all the time. Maybe it's my birth control. I don't know, I just know I have never had it easy there. Some people are just naturally calm and patient. Not me. I have to be moving all the time, which results in being tired all the time. Rather counter- productive if you ask me. I'm working on it, but I am learning that life, and sobriety especially, is a process.

I have been looking at my goals lately. When I was drinking, I had settled with the fact that I wanted to make a lot of money, and my goals were money based. I don't have the patience for that. I can't fake it to make money. I can't act heartless when I'm really not. I want to leave my children for a good reason, and sleep well at night. Apparently, women who work part time and take care of their kids part time are happiest. I think that would make me happy. For a long time, I thought a full time job and motherhood would be my calling. And it will. Eventually. But, while I am building my family, I like the part time work idea.

I want to go to law school....I have been making a plan to make that happen lately. I want to take the LSAT in October and be DONE with applying by February. If all goes as planned, I will be able to start in August 2013!!!!! I just have to figure out Kiley's and my money to support us and health insurance.....

Will write more later. I'm exhausted....

My Dreams...

I am a dreamer. I always have been. Only I used to dream about making a lot of money, even until a couple months ago. I wanted to be an actress, so I could make money (Silly, I know). I wanted to be a businesswoman in the corporate world, so I could make money. I wanted to be a lawyer, so I could make money. However, the last couple of months, those dreams have started to evolve.

I'm not sure what made them evolve. I think starting work at my new job. I have started to realize that life isn't about making money, it's about doing what you enjoy. When you do what you enjoy, you never work a day in your life. If money happens as a result, that's great. I just want to leave Kiley for a good reason.

So, what do I want to do? Well, I want to be a lawyer and a real estate agent. I really think I would like both...However, making money is no longer my motivation. Now, my motivation is doing something I enjoy, something that gives me a good reason to leave Kiley everyday. I want to be a real estate agent because I have always loved houses and I can't see sitting in front of a computer all day everyday. Plus, I love the charm of houses. I think every house has a personality and would love to introduce others to that personality. I want to do law because I would like to make a difference in the life of horse owners and in the lives of families. I don't know how long I will practice law, though. My guess is until the corrupted nature of that world starts to catch up to me. I do know that I want no part in that. I used to think I did, I'll be honest. Today, I know I don't.

Another thing I would like to do is to open up a horse rescue eventually. I am adamantly against horse slaughter. I know the whole "there's a need for it" argument. You don't need to explain that to me. I also am aware that while that law was passed, more animal wound up abandoned. Um, duh. Because more laws weren't passed about equine breeding and ownership and people were still allowed to own them and not educate themselves on them. The law needs to be handled DIFFERENTLY. Ask for more info if you would like. I also know that as part of that rescue, I would put a clause in with every adoption that says that if, for whatever reason, that person came to a point where they couldn't afford the horse and couldn't sell the horse, I would take them back. And I would be set up to follow through with that. There's especially a need for more rescues for retired racing thoroughbreds and quarter horses. Not very many horses bred for racing actually make it in racing and most of the ones that don't make it wind up slaughtered. Also, quarter horses are idiot- proof. No matter how big of an idiot you are, you can usually get along fine with a quarter horse. Hence, why they are bred in such large quantities. I also would like to breed and show reining and barrel horses. Another little pipe dream. I was always destined for an exciting life. :D

Mainly, I just want to be happy and lead a fulfilled life. I know that that won't happen without working my program. I also want a few more kids. I know that their lives won't be fulfilled as children if mine isn't. That's why I try to work my program to the best of my ability everyday. I know that I don't want more until I am more established and settled. I had Kiley too young, and I wasn't established enough. I know that I should have waited. My job won't provide for her AND Kandi. I have done the math. I need something better, where I will make more, that much is clear. And those are the things I want so that I can get there. I know that now. It is clear to me. It's great to finally be this clear!

Later, I will go into greater detail on all the posts so far. Right now, I'm just providing a background. :)