Working 4-10s

I enjoy working 4- 10s per week. I have more time off and I find I'm able to be a better mommy. I don't really know what causes it, just that it's true. It's definitely more tiring on the days I work, but gives me more time off which is very nice.

Kiley is growing like a little weed! She is now 20 months which makes her nearing 2 years old. She is SO smart! She is potty training and is figuring out the world so quickly! And her nose, as you can see from the picture. She likes to jump up and down on my bladder. The funny part? I like it, even though it hurts at the time.

We visited her father. I find that weird to say. I was unsettled about it on the way. I was freaking out. I would say it felt like I was running into an old using buddy, but I WAS walking right INTO an old using buddy. It was intense. I was sweating like it was July. But, Kiley and he had a nice visit. I haven't heard from him since. I should've figured. But, leave it to me to expect.

I need to go back to school, no matter what I study. It's really that simple. I wasn't ready for life when I left college, and I need to get there, whether it be through law school or some other type of grad school. Anyway you spin it, I need to start in Fall of 13. I might be in school for a while and I'm okay with that! I miss school and I want it back in the worst way!!!! Maybe next time I graduate, I will actually be prepared for life. I have spent months beating myself up over not being ready for life yet, but I have to realize that it comes differently for different people.  Some quickly, others slowly. For me, I guess it's just slowly. Which is painful, with a baby especially, but definitely, totally worth it to realize that! This journey I've been on lately is freeing and beautiful.

New Hours

I have new working hours. 8:45-7:15 4 days a week. Yes, 4 10s. I know, I'm crazy. Possibly demented. I seem to write and bowl and exist better than way. Maybe it helps me tap into me. So, whatever.

I guess it will just take some getting used to. I feel like I'm sleeping as I type. I know I need to go to bed but it's just SO DARN EARLY! You know? But then, Kiley woke up this morning God awful early. At 5 AM. She was SO HAPPY to be awake, silly child. I wish I was that happy to be awake....

I feel like I'm being fake at my job. I do not care about shoes. I love the people I work with, that is why I stay. But, I am sick to death of talking about shoes. I do not care about shoes. They're shoes. Period. Who gives a shit? It's like spiders. People find them so scary. I don't give a shit, just let them go on about their business. That's what I'd like to do to the shoes. Let them go on about their business and go on with mine. But, I have Kiley to support and, quite frankly, the benefits are fabulous and I don't have the energy to look for another job...I should probably put some time into it anyway, since I will definitely be leaving when I start law school.

I have realized lately that there is a reason people wait to have babies, and I know that I will be waiting until I am very much established to have more. People want to learn who they are, who their partner is, if they really click with their partner, before they have children. They want to build up their career before they have a child, build up a nestegg. They want to be ready to enjoy their children. When I have more, that is the place where I will be. And I know that there's never a RIGHT time to have a baby. But, there's got to be a better time than now. And now is not a good time. I'm not settled. Anywhere near it. Kiley might be, like, 8 or 9 before I have another. That is the conclusion I've come to lately. That's what's right for me. It's not right for everybody. I feel like God is making that clear to me.

News...

I find that when I write, I am more serene. So, I am going to make a habit of doing it more often. I want to be serene, anyways! Life is better with some serenity.

Serenity has always been a challenge for me...I am just naturally a nervous, excitable person. It's like I have ants crawling all over me all the time. Maybe it's my birth control. I don't know, I just know I have never had it easy there. Some people are just naturally calm and patient. Not me. I have to be moving all the time, which results in being tired all the time. Rather counter- productive if you ask me. I'm working on it, but I am learning that life, and sobriety especially, is a process.

I have been looking at my goals lately. When I was drinking, I had settled with the fact that I wanted to make a lot of money, and my goals were money based. I don't have the patience for that. I can't fake it to make money. I can't act heartless when I'm really not. I want to leave my children for a good reason, and sleep well at night. Apparently, women who work part time and take care of their kids part time are happiest. I think that would make me happy. For a long time, I thought a full time job and motherhood would be my calling. And it will. Eventually. But, while I am building my family, I like the part time work idea.

I want to go to law school....I have been making a plan to make that happen lately. I want to take the LSAT in October and be DONE with applying by February. If all goes as planned, I will be able to start in August 2013!!!!! I just have to figure out Kiley's and my money to support us and health insurance.....

Will write more later. I'm exhausted....