Oh the Places I'll Go!

I was reading a very wonderful book to my daughter tonight. It was not the longest book, nor the most profound. It was this: 

Oh, the Places You'll Go!

by Dr. Seuss

Congratulations!
Today is your day.
You're off to Great Places!
You're off and away!

You have brains in your head.
You have feet in your shoes
You can steer yourself
any direction you choose.
You're on your own.  And you know what you know.
And YOU are the guy who'll decide where to go.

You'll look up and down streets.  Look 'em over with care.
About some you will say, "I don't choose to go there."
With your head full of brains and your shoes full of feet,
you're too smart to go down any not-so-good street.  

And you may not find any
you'll want to go down.
In that case, of course,
you'll head straight out of town.

It's opener there
in the wide open air.

Out there things can happen
and frequently do
to people as brainy
and footsy as you.

And when things start to happen,
don't worry.  Don't stew.
Just go right along.
You'll start happening too.

OH!
THE PLACES YOU'LL GO!

You'll be on your way up!
You'll be seeing great sights!
You'll join the high fliers
who soar to high heights.

You won't lag behind, because you'll have the speed.
You'll pass the whole gang and you'll soon take the lead.
Wherever you fly, you'll be the best of the best.
Wherever you go, you will top all the rest.

Except when you don't
Because, sometimes, you won't.

I'm sorry to say so
but, sadly, it's true
and Hang-ups
can happen to you.

You can get all hung up
in a prickle-ly perch.
And your gang will fly on.
You'll be left in a Lurch. 

You'll come down from the Lurch
with an unpleasant bump.
And the chances are, then,
that you'll be in a Slump.

And when you're in a Slump,
you're not in for much fun.
Un-slumping yourself
is not easily done.

You will come to a place where the streets are not marked.
Some windows are lighted.  But mostly they're darked.
A place you could sprain both your elbow and chin!
Do you dare to stay out?  Do you dare to go in?
How much can you lose? How much can you win?

And IF you go in, should you turn left or right...
or right-and-three-quarters? Or, maybe, not quite?
Or go around back and sneak in from behind?
Simple it's not, I'm afraid you will find,
for a mind-maker-upper to make up his mind.

You can get so confused
that you'll start in to race
down long wiggled roads at a break-necking pace
and grind on for miles across weirdish wild space,
headed, I fear, toward a most useless place.
The Waiting Place...

...for people just waiting.
Waiting for a train to go
or a bus to come, or a plane to go
or the mail to come, or the rain to go
or the phone to ring, or the snow to snow
or waiting around for a Yes or a No
or waiting for their hair to grow.
Everyone is just waiting.

Waiting for the fish to bite
or waiting for wind to fly a kite
or waiting around for Friday night
or waiting, perhaps, for their Uncle Jake
or a pot to boil, or a Better Break
or a string of pearls, or a pair of pants
or a wig with curls, or Another Chance.
Everyone is just waiting.

NO!
That's not for you!

Somehow you'll escape
all that waiting and staying.
You'll find the bright places
where Boom Bands are playing.

With banner flip-flapping,
once more you'll ride high!
Ready for anything under the sky.
Ready because you're that kind of a guy!

Oh, the places you'll go! There is fun to be done!
There are points to be scored.  there are games to be won.
And the magical things you can do with that ball
will make you the winning-est winner of all.
Fame!  You'll be famous as famous can be,
with the whole wide world watching you win on TV.

Except when they don't.
Because, sometimes, they won't.

I'm afraid that some times
you'll play lonely games too.
Games you can't win
'cause you'll play against you.

All Alone!
Whether you like it or not,
Alone will be something
you'll be quite a lot.

And when you're alone, there's a very good chance
you'll meet things that scare you right out of your pants.
There are some, down the road between hither and yon,
that can scare you so much you won't want to go on.

But on you will go
though the weather be foul
On you will go
though your enemies prowl
On you will go
though the Hakken-Kraks howl
Onward up many
a frightening creek,
though your arms may get sore
and your sneakers may leak.

On and on you will hike
and I know you'll hike far
and face up to your problems
whatever they are.

You'll get mixed up, of course,
as you already know.
You'll get mixed up
with many strange birds as you go.
So be sure when you step.
Step with care and great tact
and remember that Life's
a Great Balancing Act.
Just never forget to be dexterous and deft.
And never mix up your right foot with your left.

And will you succeed?
Yes! You will, indeed!
(98 and 3/4 percent guaranteed.)

KID, YOU'LL MOVE MOUNTAINS!

So...
be your name Buxbaum or Bixby or Bray
or Mordecai Ali Van Allen O'Shea,
you're off to Great Places!
Today is your day!
Your mountain is waiting.
So...get on your way!

From http://homepages.ius.edu/HARRISLA/places.htm

These are all the things I want for Kiley- but more than anything, I want her to be happy and fulfilled, to realize that life is in the journey, not so much in the destination. 

I also want her to know that the journey of life never just stops. She has to muddle through it all- and she won't always come out on top. I want her to be okay when that happens. 

Hopefully, my having had her so young will help her see that. She will get to see my struggles- and perhaps not make my mistakes as a result. I hope she waits for a child until she is fully ready. 

I hope she also realizes what a miracle she is for me. She has helped keep me sober on numerous occasions. She is a little angel to get to know. I hope that as she grows, she knows that. I hope I show it to her well...

As selfish as it may be, I want those things for me. I want to be okay at the bottom, and during my struggle to the top. I want to have God there with me, I want to make deeper connections. Perhaps that is where I should make an effort next- making deeper connections. I feel like that is what is missing from Findlay, but life gets in the way. 

I never have realized how profound Dr. Seuss can be... 

        

Mothering a 2- year- old

Mothering a two year old is an adventure, to say the least. It's a 24/7 "Okay, I'll listen; well no, there's a pretty bug  right here!; I'm hungry; I'm tired; I'm cold; I'm...." Ahhhhhh!!!! Sometimes, I want to pull my hair (or her's!) out, then the next moment I want to hold her and never let her go.

At the end of the day, when I put her to bed and look at that sweet face, it is certainly ALL worth it. But, the days can be challenging. For a long time, "You'll get a time out if you don't come here right now!" worked perfectly fine. Now, when I ask her if she wants a time out, she will say, "NO!" over her shoulder and keep doing what she is doing. The research I have done and the choices I have made tell me that hitting or spanking is not an option, so other things, however exhausting, will have to do, however tiring they may be. This might mean 700 time outs a day, 459 offering other options to entertain herself with, other food, etc. And I will NOT bribe her with food! That's bad too, or so I read. ;) Sometimes, it's hard being a mom who researches everything, but I feel that she will turn out better for it.

Today, I took her to a meeting, where she changed her mind about what she wanted to do and where she wanted to be about 5 times. Then, she hit her head on the table. I rushed, aching back and all, to pick her up and get her out of that room before the silent screams erupted into loud, heckled sobs. Then, she wanted to go outside, where she wanted to play hide and seek, and to touch the Smoker's Outpost, which she knows she is not supposed to do. And she does that, too- touches it just to get me going. She then cracks up when I reprimand her for it, as if it were the funniest thing she had ever seen.

Why is it that before I had children, my children would NEVER behave that way, and now she does everything I said she never would and nothing that I decided she would do? Because she is her own person, that's why. I tend to hope that through consistency and love, she will grow into a well- rounded, able- bodied individual. You know- one who can support herself! I want to give her the freedom to discover who Kiley is, while not hurting anyone or stepping on anyone else's toes. She does not always do what I tell her, but hopefully others will understand that she is 2- so she is learning what is required of her. She will obey me, most of the time, eventually.

I am at a point that I am okay with her journey, and anyone who isn't can remove themselves. I do not have time for others to crush her spirit. And if they try, mama's claws will come out. It has happened, and probably will again. No, I will not discuss the fact that she made more noise than she should have with you. I do not think that there is a point. I am learning, too, and will make adjustments where needed. If she was too noisy, chances are that I know this and will change the behavior next time. I do not sit there and twiddle my thumbs with her. I am an active mom, maybe too active. I love it, everything about it. I am okay with that- and I am okay with me. 

Book review of Frankenstein

Frankenstein was hard to read, I cannot even lie about that.

Why?

Because Victor was complaining about his deplorable situation the entire time. It may have been easier to feel sorry for him if he hadn't PUT HIMSELF IN IT! He created this creature, and then ran away from it and didn't see it for three years. It was like an abandoned baby. Um, why yes! It would have gone bad! Duh!

Abandoned children tend to have issues bonding. Why? Because they HAVE NOT bonded. You have to learn to do things, even bond. If you are not taught, you will not know how.

I feel like the Creature would have had a better chance of fitting into society if Victor had stayed with him and taught him how to be a normal human being, rather than abandoning him for three years and then telling him to go away when he found him. So many things are wrong with that, I don't even know where to start....

The only truly interesting parts involved the Creature telling his story. Yes, the Creature threatened Victor, but he didn't know any other way to not feel lonely. I am convinced of it. He had the human need to bond with another living being. And, at the end, the Creature expressed remorse for the harm he had caused Victor and his family.

I think Shelley meant to make the Creature one we could feel sympathy for, and that we were supposed to feel sympathy for Victor, too. But, she missed the boat on that one. I didn't feel sympathy for Victor. I felt annoyance and utter disgust. Perhaps it has to do with the fact that Tobey abandoned Kiley, and Victor abandoned the Creature. Deadbeat dads are useless in my mind. They waste good space. Victor wasted good space. It's almost as though Shelley was trying to make us feel more sorry for Victor, but I couldn't....

Having said that, I think Victor's initial intentions were good. He wanted people to be able to bring people that they loved back to life, but he also wanted these people to look to him as GOD, so MAYBE his ultimate intentions were selfish...hmmm.

I don't think that Victor should have destroyed the female creature, since he obviously was not going to try to assimilate his "child"- the Creature- into society. It's only fair, and it would help the Creature to fulfill that human need for a mate. Selfish? Possibly. Useful? Yes. I am not always against selfishness. I'm just not. Sometimes, human beings have to be selfish- so long as another is not negatively impacted. I feel strongly about that.

I also think that Shelley imposed too much drama into the story line. I think the book could have done with a little more toning down. Too much drama doesn't make a story believable. Although, if she were not going for believable, she did a good job tying everything together.

As a whole, I did not like the book. I found it to be whiny and overly dramatic. I tried to get into it. I did, but I just couldn't get past the whining. I haven't given up on Shelley yet. I will try to read her other books before I pass judgment on her writing!

Living up to my own expectations

A common theme in my life has always been that I don't meet my expectations. I do today, even moreso Friday, but tomorrow, something may happen and and I'll flip back to that place where I don't meet my expectations.

Why? Because other people's opinions of me still has an effect on me. BUT, and some may not agree, I don't always think that that is necessarily a bad thing.

When you are trying to start your career, other people who have been doing it longer than you, people who are, frankly, better than you at what you are doing, will give you honest opinions that may or may not be helpful. BUT, I find that in 9 cases out of 10, they are, because they are honest. I have not had experience with instructors who were kind AND honest, but that is what I find I have at Findlay. They don't tell you that you are better than or worse than another, and they said that they never would.

And their philosophy is unspoken, that the idea is to improve on YOUR personal best, not to compete with other people. I think that is brilliant.

I've always been told that I'm better than so and so and that I will NEVER be as good as so and so. I've not heard too much that I've improved my personal best, but here I do. So, it is good to base your opinions of yourself off of certain things people say, off of constructive criticism. Also, there is beauty in separating the pieces of you. If someone is criticizing my riding, for example, they are not criticizing who I am as a person. If someone is suggesting that I ought to look at this side of myself and figure out what is causing me to behave the way I am, I know that they are simply trying to be helpful. As long as I use that as an opportunity to grow, whether or not what they are saying is accurate, there is growth to be gained from that comment. If I let it cause me to cry myself to sleep for weeks on end, that is a different story.

The point that I am trying to get out here is that there are multiple shades of grey when it comes to letting another get to us. What matters is what we do with it. If I do inventory, speak to my sponsor, speak to some friends and honestly tell that what happened and we decide that it's not accurate, I let it go. Sometimes, I have to let that person go too. NOBODY is worth my serenity, except Kiley. If it is helpful, I will work on that area, and not complain about it. If you are actively trying to improve me or my riding, I will take what you say into account and try that. And I will actively try to figure out if what you are saying is the truth, unless I already know it is. I DO care about what you think of me, if you know what you are talking about. The difference is that today, it won't consume me the way it did.

My basic expectations today is to keep improving ME. Don't take steps backwards. And if I do, I cannot beat myself up for it. I just have to work on getting back on track. This program, and this life, is about progress, not perfection. Today, it's a little easier to remember that than it was three years ago. 

Muse

My muse is hiding. I have tried to post entertaining stuff on here in the past, and it simply has not worked. I used to be able to write very entertaining things, then I got hardcore into drinking and have been in recovery for over three years but...my stuff here lately has not been so entertaining. The only logical explanation that I can come up with is that my muse must be hiding from me.... and I cannot find her/him/it. It's on the tip of my tongue, but I just cannot find the words. I have so much STUFF running through my head day in and day out. It's like cars traveling at a fast speed on a highway and I cannot get it to hold still long enough to write about it, which is too bad, because I LOVE to write.

Speaking of that car.... it not only is going fast, but it is doing all kinds of loops and spins and rolls. It is a mess, with dents and scratches all over, much like my brain....The only way to get it out of this funk is to force it out. Write. I'll write about Kiley below.

Here is Kiley on her 2nd birthday. All kinds of happy! She was riding her new tricycle in her helmet and fairy costume. All birthday presents, other than the helmet. She loves them! She also likes putting on lipstick, which she was given by my friends, Marilyn and Genna, for her birthday! She is so beautiful, which is surprising, seeing as neither her father or I are exactly beautiful. Decent looking, yes. Beautiful, no. Am I putting me down? No, but I am honest about myself. I am beautiful on the inside today, some days more than others. But, I make beautiful children, and she is a perfect example! She loves riding Kandi (my horse) and playing with dolls. And I love HER! When she was born, I never could have imagined how much, but she breaks the mold every day, makes my heart swell with pride, and teaches me what life is REALLY all about.

Oh, muse, come back soon!

Modern Life

So, I was informed recently that my blog post about why I am pro-choice made me sound selfish. Combing through it, I am unsure which part makes me sound selfish. The part where I say every child should be wanted? Or the part where I say that we shouldn't put children here who will only suffer unnecessarily? Or the part where I said that MOST foster children are emancipated homeless? Perhaps someone ought to clear that up for me. I am quite confused. I rather think that all those reasons are selfless and that the conservative idea that babies should live, but not have any other assistance if needed it quite selfish, that QUALITY of life is just as important as the existence of it. So sue me. If that makes ME selfish, so be it. I guess I am selfish.

I started school at University of Findlay on August 20. It wasn't quite what I thought it would be, and I am more tired than I thought I would be. I tried to take the sophomore and junior riding classes, and Steve (Brown, the instructor) told me on day 3 that he thought I would be better and would learn more in the Freshman class. That was a blow to my ego. It was a crushing blow, especially since just 2 years ago, I was good and ready. He said I could stay in the sophomore class, but it was just one thing too much for me. I know that I need to go back to basics, that is clear to me. I ride like a stiff board again. I am nervous (?). I don't really know why, but that tells me that going back to the basics would be a good thing. I have learned some things, for sure, and feel more comfortable than I felt when I was trying to ride with the sophomores and juniors. I might get my associates, or I might get another bachelors on a part time basis. I have enough credits for it, but I would just need to see how that would work with financial aid.

I also have some ideas for internships/apprenticeships. One would be with Jordan, a barrel racer in Utica and Sunbury. One with Sherry in Sunbury, one with Patrick in Sunbury, and one with Mike Craig in Indiana. Or all of them. There are some things I like about all of them. Patrick, I know, is a world champion Reiner. I could learn something from them all. Sherry taught me to properly lunge Kandi, and she is real into Clinton Andersen Natural Horsemanship, which I have seen work. Here is his website. She's calmer than Patrick, which I am definitely more laid back as well. Plus, she doesn't let her ego get in the way- she will let you know if she does not know something. Also, I may show Kandi this Spring, if I have the funds. This means I have to find a job, and this time I want to look for one that I might truly enjoy. One from home might be nice....That would be nice, not having to take out as much money for living expenses....

Also, I am in an Intro to Law class, which is fascinating. I don't know if I want to go into Law or not, but it is certainly an interesting field to study, and I would love to study it more. Also, I have recently become interested in Transportation, specifically RVs and horse trailers. I don't know anything about them, but they are interesting. I think I should just become an entrepreneur. I have so many business interests and I don't like to sit there at a computer....

Why I decided to have a natural childbirth- and why I will again

The disadvantages would be enough for me to choose to go naturally. 

Read them. You should at least know the risk you are putting you and your baby under if you choose an epidural. I know, some cannot do it without one. That's fine. There comes a time when you have to decide, no I cannot do it. I could handle it. Besides, your body makes it's own painkillers. I will pick the article apart to explain why I decided on no epidural, and why I will probably go for a completely natural homebirth next time.

"Epidurals may cause your blood pressure to suddenly drop. For this reason your blood pressure will be routinely checked to help ensure an adequate blood flow to your baby. If there is a sudden drop in blood pressure, you may need to be treated with IV fluids, medications, and oxygen."

Um. No, thank you!!

"You may experience a severe headache caused by leakage of spinal fluid. Less than 1% of women experience this side effect. If symptoms persist, a procedure called a “blood patch”, which is an injection of your blood into the epidural space, can be performed to relieve the headache."

More unnecessary intervention may be needed because of it. Again, no thank you.

 "After your epidural is placed, you will need to alternate sides while lying in bed and have continuous monitoring for changes in fetal heart rate. Lying in one position can sometimes cause labor to slow down or stop."

Um. Duh. Laboring in a lying- down position will cause labor to slow down. Why? Gravity...

"You might experience the following side effects: shivering, ringing of the ears, backache, soreness where the needle is inserted, nausea, or difficulty urinating."

Sounds uncomfortable. I do not understand why anyone would choose that. And why does it matter if you have difficulty urinating? You pretty much have to wait to get up until the baby is delivered anyway, in this situation.

"You might find that your epidural makes pushing more difficult and additional interventions such as Pitocin, forceps, vacuum extraction or cesarean might become necessary."

I pushed like a champ and had her out in 6 pushes. Yeah. It's better when you can feel it. I have read births with epidurals can take 15 minutes longer of pushing, and up to two hours. No thank you. I would rather not feel like my vagina is on fire longer than I have to. :D

"For a few hours after the birth the lower half of your body may feel numb. Numbness will require you to walk with assistance."

I do NOT do well with assistance. This alone made me decide not to get an epidural. Plus, I could get up and move around directly afterwards!

"In rare instances, permanent nerve damage may result in the area where the catheter was inserted."

Uh no no no no no!!!!!!!!!! I would like to ride and chase my two year old and NOT worry about back issues later on down the road!!!

"Though research is somewhat ambiguous, most studies suggest that some babies will have trouble "latching on" causing breastfeeding difficulties. Other studies suggest that a baby might experience respiratory depression, fetal malpositioning, and an increase in fetal heart rate variability, thus increasing the need for forceps, vacuum, cesarean deliveries and episiotomies."

I wouldn't want anything to come between my breastfeeding relationship with my baby! Also, I know that BECAUSE epidurals, as a whole, cause labor to slow down, they leave baby more open to infection because as the fluid drips out, the baby's protection against infection get less and less. I don't want that. More babies wind up in the NICU as an indirect result of epidurals than I care to count! I just don't want to leave my baby open to that kind of thing.

Epidurals ARE necessary in some cases:

• Allows you to rest if your labor is prolonged
• When other types of coping mechanisms are no longer helping, an epidural can help you deal with exhaustion, irritability, and fatigue. An epidural can allow you to rest, relax, get focused and give you the strength to move forward as an active participant in your birth experience.

I don't judge others, but I know that for my babies and I, a natural labor IS the right choice. It DOES work for me. I have proven that, especially since I was given pitocin to try to speed labor along and it WORKED!!! Ouch! However, I don't want to be forced into that again. This is why I believe a home birth is the way for me to go next time.