A common theme in my life has always been that I don't meet my expectations. I do today, even moreso Friday, but tomorrow, something may happen and and I'll flip back to that place where I don't meet my expectations.
Why? Because other people's opinions of me still has an effect on me. BUT, and some may not agree, I don't always think that that is necessarily a bad thing.
When you are trying to start your career, other people who have been doing it longer than you, people who are, frankly, better than you at what you are doing, will give you honest opinions that may or may not be helpful. BUT, I find that in 9 cases out of 10, they are, because they are honest. I have not had experience with instructors who were kind AND honest, but that is what I find I have at Findlay. They don't tell you that you are better than or worse than another, and they said that they never would.
And their philosophy is unspoken, that the idea is to improve on YOUR personal best, not to compete with other people. I think that is brilliant.
I've always been told that I'm better than so and so and that I will NEVER be as good as so and so. I've not heard too much that I've improved my personal best, but here I do. So, it is good to base your opinions of yourself off of certain things people say, off of constructive criticism. Also, there is beauty in separating the pieces of you. If someone is criticizing my riding, for example, they are not criticizing who I am as a person. If someone is suggesting that I ought to look at this side of myself and figure out what is causing me to behave the way I am, I know that they are simply trying to be helpful. As long as I use that as an opportunity to grow, whether or not what they are saying is accurate, there is growth to be gained from that comment. If I let it cause me to cry myself to sleep for weeks on end, that is a different story.
The point that I am trying to get out here is that there are multiple shades of grey when it comes to letting another get to us. What matters is what we do with it. If I do inventory, speak to my sponsor, speak to some friends and honestly tell that what happened and we decide that it's not accurate, I let it go. Sometimes, I have to let that person go too. NOBODY is worth my serenity, except Kiley. If it is helpful, I will work on that area, and not complain about it. If you are actively trying to improve me or my riding, I will take what you say into account and try that. And I will actively try to figure out if what you are saying is the truth, unless I already know it is. I DO care about what you think of me, if you know what you are talking about. The difference is that today, it won't consume me the way it did.
My basic expectations today is to keep improving ME. Don't take steps backwards. And if I do, I cannot beat myself up for it. I just have to work on getting back on track. This program, and this life, is about progress, not perfection. Today, it's a little easier to remember that than it was three years ago.
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